If I had to choose one facet of my college experience to dwell on for the rest of my life, I would want to remember all the ways that God has used solitude and community to speak to me.
Growing up, both solitude and community were aspects of my life that I never truly grasped until my early high school years. Even while surrounded by lots of wonderfully rowdy siblings, a small part of me always seemed to feel strangely empty and deflated. This nameless void weighed heavily on me, pressing down on my lungs and making it hard to breathe on slow days when I wasn’t preoccupied with a million little tasks. The most painful days were when I had the house all to myself. Though this was a rare occasion in my household, I came to dread those days when the silence was deafening and I could hear every creak and groan of the floorboards under my feet.
When I finally realized that my deep discomfort with solitude came from a fear of loneliness, I was extremely puzzled. Why did solitude scare me? Why did I feel lonely even when I was spending time with family and friends? I knew in my head that no earthly object or person could fill the void, but I struggled to understand how Jesus could fill this hole in my soul in a practical, everyday kind of way.
As I transitioned from high school to college, I let ambition and busyness fill in all the gaps in my life. Fear and pride kept me endlessly anxious and weary. I shied away from solitary moments, exhausted but unwilling to spend time alone to recharge or with friends who would ask me hard questions about my mental and spiritual health.
I relied on the wrong people too much, the right people too little and Jesus barely at all.
Yet during the revival, Jesus met me at the altar and took away my terror of the void.
He healed me of my restlessness and pried my tight fists open, freeing me from my fear-filled reliance on people and things that would let me down. He gave me hope through his promises, that his plans for my future are fulfilling and much better than my own. He gave me the strength to let go of hurt, to forgive wholeheartedly and to cling to my faith with everything inside of me. He showed me that I needed to surround myself with those who would model godly friendships and a godly community- yet also give myself time for silence and solitude.
There are still days when I feel the old aches and pains of loneliness. Yet when those moments come, I rely on the Holy Spirit to guide me in dealing with those feelings and using them to glorify the Lord. Sometimes this requires time spent in solitude reading my Bible, journaling or listening to worship music. Other times, it means being vulnerable with a friend or doing social activities that fill me up emotionally and spiritually.
No matter how you deal with loneliness, balance is needed. Too much solitude is just as unhealthy as too much time with other people. Both can become a crutch, stunting our inner growth.
Maybe it’s time to examine yourself and evaluate the way you deal with loneliness.
Do you struggle with the void? Does your time alone or with others fill you up and glorify God?