Why does constructive criticism sting so much?
Even when I’m certain it’s dished out with good intentions, why do I still get red-faced and embarrassed? Why do I become so uncomfortable in my skin?
I’ve often felt myself begin to shrink and melt onto the floor, reduced to a steaming puddle of humiliation. Maybe it’s because constructive criticism forces more than just my pride to be taken down a notch. Perhaps it has more to do with the vulnerability it requires.
Don’t get me wrong, constructive criticism can be annoying, but it can also make us paranoid. We start to doubt our abilities: opening the door for all our fears, anxieties, and insecurities to run rampant in our heads. I have come to realize that constructive criticism sometimes makes us think we are incapable or unworthy of doing something, and that belief attacks our sense of self.
Yet, what we end up missing by reacting in this way is that constructive criticism can be a tool that leads to tremendous growth and, ultimately, success in whatever we are pursuing.
In our society today, I’ve noticed that most kids don’t know how to handle constructive criticism. This manifests itself in various attitudes and behaviors, many of which I’ve seen in myself and even my siblings, especially over Christmas break. Instead of processing correction or instruction as information that will prove helpful in the long run, my siblings often reacted with anger, embarrassment, and defensive behavior. These emotions usually lead to grudges and eventually create wedges in relationships.
Honestly, I think everyone needs more tough love and constructive criticism. However, we won’t handle more of it if we don’t figure out how to receive it correctly. I’ve had to remind myself a lot this week that constructive criticism is meant to motivate me and point me in the direction of growth. It’s not meant to turn me into an offended and humiliated puddle of self-reproach.
In my ethics class last semester, we discussed that it’s healthier for our minds to be challenged through criticism rather than stay stagnant in our beliefs. We read excerpts from the book “Why We Argue (And How We Should)” by Aikin and Talisse, which taught us that those who disagree or challenge us could help sharpen our evaluation processes and reasoning skills. Constructive criticism, when executed in the right way, points us in the direction of growth and a stronger sense of self.
I’ve been on either side of the constructive criticism game this week, tiptoeing around giving it and struggling to receive it. My goal now is to learn how to serve others better and reflect Christ as best as I can.
The surface-level nature of a compliment-critique-compliment sandwich has started to feel cheap to me. I want to aim for a more amicable blend of compassionate openness that challenges people and motivates them to grow and push themselves further. Why don’t we all try and make ourselves a little more uncomfortable this week? How much would it cost us to be gentler and more honest with our friends if it means that they could experience valuable development of the self? What is holding us back from vulnerability and accepting guidance intended to encourage rather than harm? This week, let’s all leave our self-pitying puddles behind and appreciate constructive criticism as we experience growing pains together.