Submitted by Tori Reimschisel
“Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.” – Psalm 34:5
I had the opportunity to begin modeling for local artists a few years ago and began working as a paid model for the painting and drawing courses at Asbury during my freshman year of college.
When I first had a conversation with a local artist to consider the possibility of modeling in the nude in the fall of 2018, I had mixed feelings. While I had always thought the idea of painting human bodies in their truest form was beautiful and good, I wasn’t sure I wanted to put myself in that position.
I had struggled with a poor self-image for years because I have never had the body type society values today, and I’m a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Culture supports the lie that nudity is inherently sexual, and there was a lot at stake for me to put myself in such a vulnerable position. However, I decided to try it.
The first time I posed nude, I was as hesitant as I thought I would be. I felt open and terrified — and I wasn’t sure I’d made the right decision. I struggled to breathe and occasionally felt twinges of panic. However, as time progressed, I began to relax more; I realized just how empowering my choice had been, and I knew I’d done the right thing.
Each time I pose now, I grow more and more confident. Reflecting on it now, in contrast to the first time I took that step, I can see huge, healing strides in my life that I didn’t realize would be a result.
There is still an edge of fear each time I step into the studio, and the little palpitations of my heart have never left me. But I have begun to see the innate sanctity of my physicality, and I have never been so aware of my own value, beauty and worth as I am now. I carry myself with a dignity that I didn’t used to bear.
What was violated when I was a child has been restored. I no longer look at my body and loathe whom I see in the mirror. I have grown into my skin, learning to recognize the deep beauty that my Creator tenderly built into me, and I feel the delight in his eyes as he smiles on me.
Perhaps most importantly, I am learning the art of vulnerability even though it is frightening to say the least. Because I was coming from a place in life where vulnerability felt like a threat to my personhood, I felt like I was in danger, despite the fact that I could look around at my surroundings and know I was safe.
Yet as I pursued this journey through deep fear, I began to realize how precious it is to be vulnerable before God. To be uncovered, unable to hide all of who I am and what I’m made of, but to know that I am safe, I am loved and I am stunningly beautiful — that is the gospel. To be naked and unashamed, as humankind was in the Garden of Eden, is a holy experience. I feel drenched in God’s complete adoration for me and know I am intimately close to his soul in these moments in ways I don’t experience otherwise.
While I am by no means perfect and have not mastered the art of being vulnerable, I have learned that God desires us to stand before him in our most uncovered selves in order to grow intimately closer to him. This may not be a physical act for everyone; however, I found that if I couldn’t be safe while physically uncovered with God, it was much harder for me to be emotionally and spiritually open before him as well.
God’s ultimate desire is that we as his children allow ourselves to be open to his love with no masks, no hiding and no pretenses. As I learn what it means to allow God to be my Perfect Father, I am learning to feel completely safe in his presence, even in my most open and unhidden self, trusting that my Abba will sing over me and rejoice in my innocence as he smiles at his darling little girl.
God opens this invitation to all of his children, regardless of story or circumstance. Above everything, he desires for his beloved ones to trust him fully with their deepest selves and step out in faith believing that he will treasure them, protect them and smile adoringly over them as they live the beautiful lives he has prepared for them. I’m learning how to let him hold me. Will you do the same?