“Wait, really? Why not?” My heart sank as I was once again asked an all too familiar question.
Why I, at 21 years old, have never had a boyfriend. It’s a question I am asked often, which is unsurprising, given that for young Christian women, dating is not viewed as simply an option, but an expectation.
All over Christian media and conservative media, I have seen people encouraging young women to get married and get married young, so they can begin having children. Often, there is an implication that if you do not do this, it may be a sign that something is wrong with you. While I do believe that marriage and children are important, I can’t help but wonder if this narrative is causing more harm than good.
According to the U.S. Census, men and women alike are waiting longer to get married, a trend that mirrors growing global concern over declining birth rates. Japan serves as an example where birth rates have reached a record low, leading to labor shortages, inequality and a growing elderly population with fewer people to support them. In an article for The Atlantic, Marc Novicoff wrote that “If the birth rate continues to drop around the world at its current pace, economic growth and workers’ retirement prospects will go the way of those projections: adjusting every few years to a smaller, sadder, poorer future.”
Given the examples that we have seen around the world, I cannot deny that these concerns are valid. However, especially as Christians, I don’t think that placing pressure on women to marry early is the answer. This mindset often reduces difficult decisions, like getting married, to a timeline rather than a relationship built on mutual trust, respect and shared values. It can leave women feeling inadequate or “behind” if they have not met certain milestones by a specific age, as though their worth is determined by their relationship status rather than their character or the fruits of their faith.
In an environment like ours, a private Christian university, this pressure can feel even more intense. Engagement announcements flood my social media, Bible studies often center around marriage and dating and “ring by spring” jokes circulate as if they’re a natural part of campus culture. For some, this narrative is encouraging. For others, like me, it can be isolating.
I often find myself in positions where my life trajectory is questioned because many people view Christian dating or marriage as the epitome of the Christian life. As if being in a relationship means that you have somehow “earned” it as a result of your spiritual maturity. This is a concept that I would like to gently suggest is not biblical. The Bible does not present marriage as a reward for good behavior or spiritual achievement. Instead, it portrays both marriage and singleness as valuable callings with unique purposes.
Yet within Christian culture, this is not always the mindset that marriage and singleness are approached with. When engagement after engagement is celebrated publicly, and singleness is rarely spoken about outside the context of “waiting,” it creates an unspoken hierarchy of life stages. Marriage is placed on a pedestal, while singleness is seen as something to “fix” or “grow out of.” This subtle hierarchy can cause young women to doubt their worth or question God’s timing for their lives.
This tension has forced me to reflect on the unconscious expectations I have carried about what my life “should” look like by a certain age. Growing up, I assumed that my 20s would naturally follow a familiar script: meet someone in college, date for a short time, get engaged and be married before graduation or shortly after. It’s the path I’ve seen modeled in my family, my church community and by many of my peers. When my life didn’t follow that exact trajectory, I found myself questioning whether I was somehow falling behind.
Over time, I’ve realized that imposing strict timelines on people’s lives is more about cultural or societal pressures than it is a Biblical worldview. God’s calling is one that is not bound by age, season or social norms. The lives of faithful men and women throughout Scripture look radically different from one another; some married young, while others did not at all.
I’ve also had to confront the assumption that those who are in relationships have somehow “earned” that status through greater spiritual maturity, attractiveness or personal worth. But that simply isn’t true. Being in a relationship is not a reward for good behavior, nor is singleness a punishment. Both are gifts given according to God’s grace and timing, not human merit. Just as salvation is a gift that cannot be earned, the seasons we walk through in life are opportunities to rely on God, not measurements of our value.
Growing up, I always assumed that I would follow a similar trajectory to my parents, who were already married at my age, but there is something that I believe in more strongly than the timeline that society has taught me I was meant to follow. The timeline that I believe in most strongly is the one that the Lord envisioned for me when he knit me in my mother’s womb. Whether it be through faithful marriage or committed singleness, the most important role that I am called to fulfill is not one of marriage, singleness, wife, mother, employee or friend; it is the role of faithful obedience to the Lord. And I am committed to pursuing that more than anything else, even when I’m not sure what it means yet.
Photo courtesy of Unsplash.
Beyond the timeline: trusting God’s plan over cultural expectations
“Wait, really? Why not?” My heart sank as I was once again asked an all too familiar question.
Why I, at 21 years old, have never had a boyfriend. It’s a question I am asked often, which is unsurprising, given that for young Christian women, dating is not viewed as simply an option, but an expectation.
All over Christian media and conservative media, I have seen people encouraging young women to get married and get married young, so they can begin having children. Often, there is an implication that if you do not do this, it may be a sign that something is wrong with you. While I do believe that marriage and children are important, I can’t help but wonder if this narrative is causing more harm than good.
According to the U.S. Census, men and women alike are waiting longer to get married, a trend that mirrors growing global concern over declining birth rates. Japan serves as an example where birth rates have reached a record low, leading to labor shortages, inequality and a growing elderly population with fewer people to support them. In an article for The Atlantic, Marc Novicoff wrote that “If the birth rate continues to drop around the world at its current pace, economic growth and workers’ retirement prospects will go the way of those projections: adjusting every few years to a smaller, sadder, poorer future.”
Given the examples that we have seen around the world, I cannot deny that these concerns are valid. However, especially as Christians, I don’t think that placing pressure on women to marry early is the answer. This mindset often reduces difficult decisions, like getting married, to a timeline rather than a relationship built on mutual trust, respect and shared values. It can leave women feeling inadequate or “behind” if they have not met certain milestones by a specific age, as though their worth is determined by their relationship status rather than their character or the fruits of their faith.
In an environment like ours, a private Christian university, this pressure can feel even more intense. Engagement announcements flood my social media, Bible studies often center around marriage and dating and “ring by spring” jokes circulate as if they’re a natural part of campus culture. For some, this narrative is encouraging. For others, like me, it can be isolating.
I often find myself in positions where my life trajectory is questioned because many people view Christian dating or marriage as the epitome of the Christian life. As if being in a relationship means that you have somehow “earned” it as a result of your spiritual maturity. This is a concept that I would like to gently suggest is not biblical. The Bible does not present marriage as a reward for good behavior or spiritual achievement. Instead, it portrays both marriage and singleness as valuable callings with unique purposes.
Yet within Christian culture, this is not always the mindset that marriage and singleness are approached with. When engagement after engagement is celebrated publicly, and singleness is rarely spoken about outside the context of “waiting,” it creates an unspoken hierarchy of life stages. Marriage is placed on a pedestal, while singleness is seen as something to “fix” or “grow out of.” This subtle hierarchy can cause young women to doubt their worth or question God’s timing for their lives.
This tension has forced me to reflect on the unconscious expectations I have carried about what my life “should” look like by a certain age. Growing up, I assumed that my 20s would naturally follow a familiar script: meet someone in college, date for a short time, get engaged and be married before graduation or shortly after. It’s the path I’ve seen modeled in my family, my church community and by many of my peers. When my life didn’t follow that exact trajectory, I found myself questioning whether I was somehow falling behind.
Crazy: Mental Illness and the Church
Over time, I’ve realized that imposing strict timelines on people’s lives is more about cultural or societal pressures than it is a Biblical worldview. God’s calling is one that is not bound by age, season or social norms. The lives of faithful men and women throughout Scripture look radically different from one another; some married young, while others did not at all.
I’ve also had to confront the assumption that those who are in relationships have somehow “earned” that status through greater spiritual maturity, attractiveness or personal worth. But that simply isn’t true. Being in a relationship is not a reward for good behavior, nor is singleness a punishment. Both are gifts given according to God’s grace and timing, not human merit. Just as salvation is a gift that cannot be earned, the seasons we walk through in life are opportunities to rely on God, not measurements of our value.
Growing up, I always assumed that I would follow a similar trajectory to my parents, who were already married at my age, but there is something that I believe in more strongly than the timeline that society has taught me I was meant to follow. The timeline that I believe in most strongly is the one that the Lord envisioned for me when he knit me in my mother’s womb. Whether it be through faithful marriage or committed singleness, the most important role that I am called to fulfill is not one of marriage, singleness, wife, mother, employee or friend; it is the role of faithful obedience to the Lord. And I am committed to pursuing that more than anything else, even when I’m not sure what it means yet.
Photo courtesy of Unsplash.